The Red Carpet

Like everyone else on the planet I consider myself a photographer. Every 18 months I feel compelled to invest in the latest technology to obtain the highest pixels, the fastest shutters, the longest lenses, all confirmed over Talmudic debates at B&H photo. But keeping up with fellow shutterbugs can be costly, so I am always on the lookout for actual photo assignments. Which is why an email blast announcing a Red Carpet for The Opening Night of the Film Festival caught my attention.

Wow! - A Red Carpet - Finally a chance to wear that dress I'd wrestled away from two fashion bloggers at an Armani Sample Sale..

But the more I thought about it - Red Carpet notwithstanding - the dress and heels would have to go with 30 pounds of camera gear in tow..

As I read on my heart beat faster: "opening night attendees:  "De Caprio, Clooney, Redford, Madonna, Bionce, Lady Gaga.."  This could mean  a serious chance at the money shot.. media outlets outbidding each other. If I could pull this off I'd be in the black again...

Preparation was essential - I went over the checklist: - cleaned lenses, charged chargers, flashed flashes with snuffers and Fongs ...

And most important of all the Manual.. A slight review...

The day of:  I arrived early - Major press outlets were already lining up.  This was definitely the big leagues..

I presented my credentials to KPR press coordinator, Norma Star, who flipped pages: "NBC, ABC, Cosmo, HuffPost, Getty, Daily Beast, Nightly Sharks..."

"New York 1, Bronx 2, Staten Island 4, .... Oh there you are.. " Norma was pointing so far back I'd need a taxi just to get there...

But it would take more than a PR snub to deter this pro.. I spied my colleagues and joined the front lines. It was great - to be back among my fellow artists - swapping war stories, trading tech talk..

Then came the press briefing.." Welcome everyone. You know the drill - arrivals three minutes apart. We expect a good turnout tonight"  Tip sheets were distributed...and they were impressive.

I had to get this right. I went over my camera settings.. lens speed, shutter speed, ISO, focal length. I hit the "FULLY AUTO" button.. and held my breath...

The first arrival - Amy Adams fresh off "American Hustle" and OMG - Ann Hathaway a veritable toothpick but gorgeous??!! They flashed million dollar smiles directly in front of my post.

Then I felt a sharp nudge to my right and jab to my left. In a flash I was fork lifted up and back. Like Patton's Fifth Armored Division .. a WALL of photographers closed ranks in front of me.. 

And that wall spelled G-E-T-T-Y - The mother of all photo houses - Now my only view was a tent pole and the over coiffed head of a Hungarian stringer!

So much for my Canon 5D Mark 111 and L series telephoto. What I needed was a 3 foot fiberglass Werner stepladder!!

Luckily I spied one just behind the tent pole. Solution found! Except that it's rightful owner, Courtney from Cosmo made it abundantly clear she wasn't sharing-

During our negotiations, we nearly missed a celebrity spotting - George and Amal Clooney heading towards the stage door. The press took off down 65th street.

I joined the herd - my heart pumping, adrenalin flowing, sneakers pounding, I'd get those shots if it killed me.  

Suddenly a guy from "Live at Five" spotted Beyoncé in a taxi and veered off catching my right foot in his microphone cable. I bounced along the sidewalk like a lassoed heifer until we came to a full stop. 

Mr. "Live at Five" didn't miss a beat - executing a plier jeté over my body he rejoined the pack. With whatever wind I had left I yelled - "Are you insane? Beyoncé in a taxi??!!!"

Fortunately, my tendency to over pack for everything in my life included my bulging backpack which  cushioned my fall and protected my camera. But it was clear that my paparazzi days were over. Goodbye HuffPost, Vanity Fair, People and DailyMail... Hello Ebay..camera listings, 7 day auctions...

"Hey! Where is everybody??!"

Her gargantuan shoes clattered across the pavement. She Leaned In.  "Tell me" she continued pointing to my arsenal "does that stuff still work?" 

I nodded. Then Lady Gaga proved her true LADYSHIP by graciously helping me to my feet. 

Main squeeze Tyler Kinney joined us and we went to work..

The shooting was a breeze. They were great together. It wasn't until I went in for a close up and realized something was up. I switched my camera to video record  and asked the tough question. "Is there anything you guys would like say?"...

Tyler Kinney said it first. "We're engaged" and Lady Gaga added "just now in the limo we decided on a June wedding in Rome." 

And there it was - the money shot!  Plus a SCOOP!! I had to choose my media carefully... in the end Arianna could be very persuasive.. 

And the best part of all - Gaga and Tyler invited me to their engagement party. .. Where I got to wear that Armani number after all. Life is good... you betcha!

The End

The Travel Issue

Anyone will tell you I am an obsessive travel planner. The slightest email blast from a newly renovated Orient Express on the other side of the world will send me into a frenzy of clicks to resort websites touting immaculate beaches, horizon pools, designer villas with sunset views and discreet butler service. Not trusting gloss photos, I consult TripAdvisor - where somewhere between awed honeymooners and pots of jam on buttery rolls and warm greetings by hosts Bethany and Jim, I vet my destination.. ...

Which can only happen if I acquire the holy grail of travel ..

A Mileage Ticket promising reclining comfort and free booties all the way to Denpasar or Nairobi.  

It is at this point that I feel compelled to face the bottom line...and realize that despite tantalizing discounts, free airfare and falling Bots - 

my real life budget won't cover the charter flight into my first tented safari camp.... Which is why I was thrilled about two weeks ago when I came across  an amazing trip I could actually afford.   

A&K, had published a three week package to Australia including five star New Zealand lodges with fishing and bungee jumping, Australian outback,  Sidney sails and opera seats followed by .. 

4 nights at the Barrier Reef's lavish Lizard Island resort  - a swim away from underwater wonders with my very own diving buddy named Bob....

All for only $5,900!!    Surely this was a mistake – a scam to sell building lots on coral reefs - But no. Strictly legit.  I clicked the 24 Hours courtesy “HOLD” button… just enough time to attend to last minute chores..

No better place to begin than my biannual dental cleaning. Gotta face those Aussie beaches with a sparkling smile... Which is when things took an unexpected turn. 

I'd neglected that my appointment card specified  "consult" which meant Dr. M would take X-rays and unless I believed in the tooth fairy he'd find something wrong. Which he did...

I tried to remain calm while the dentalese grew more dire.. "teeth 19 and 20... decay close to the nerve, cracked enamel, rotting composite

which might require a root canal, Extraction, IMPLANTS!! Teeth in a glass. I gave my consent.  Dr. M. went to work...

I was stoic - numb, drool cascading, jaw stretched beyond capacity, training my mind to ignore the piercing drill and deafening roar of crumbling amalgam ... And all the while negotiating .. 

Good-bye to gummy bears, whirly pops, sour worms, mary janes and Turkish taffy... I'd vet every olive, inspect every walnut half, peel every pomegranate... 

Then suddenly silence. All over. Bib off - I walked shakily to reception. I couldn't feel my lips but there was the perky Roseanne's efficiently tallying my bill..

"a cleaning, a full set of X-rays - 2 porcelain crowns..."

"- cash or credit?" 

Life sucks. Nietzsche got it right - we're all insects crawling our way to dust...another three months in this grey urban Gulag...

Wait a minute - Airbnb!! -  Just a renter away from a Sydney sunset sail..  I started typing...  "midtown, luxury doorman building, park views, close to theater and museums..." Perfect for a lovely couple from London in town for dining and the arts. They would adore my Damien Dots .. 

But what if instead I landed, a family of 5 from somewhere-ville whose idea of dining was KFC tubs and food cart falafels ..

And who's five year old "emerging artist" would spray paint my living room into a site even Banksy would disclaim ... Nope.

No can do. Good bye Lovely Lizard... Good by Bob. 

I'm broke - just another city statistic shoveled to the bottom of the heap - destined to watch from the sidelines as the one per centers circle the globe dining with Bill and Melinda. At night. Under the stars. On a Namibian dune.. 

Hey. Look at those teeth. Very impressive.  I should smile more.

Which is why last week when I saw a Groupon Coupon - 3 weeks, all inclusive, diving instruction - tank, wet-suit, mask and flippers included .. I took the plunge.

Brett says I'm a natural.  You betcha. Life is good.   

The End